Hello again, reader. I know why you’ve come. If you weren’t looking for comics about 5,000 year old mythological ding dongs, then you’ve come looking for the other topic only Happle Tea can provide.

Yes, I’m talking about childish (and just generally poorly written) limericks concerning long dead Celtic kings of folklore.

I aim to please.

Either the power of poetry in Ireland was once greater than it is today or King Bres was kind of a puss, eh?

Today’s comic comes from Ireland’s rich Celtic heritage and it concerns itself with a couple of topics that were considered immensely important in Celtic culture. The story goes like this:

Ireland was, in the distant past, subjected to settling by various people. After one culture would settle down for some time, they would eventually suffer some misfortune and either die off or leave the country with most of their numbers depleted. One race alone managed to carry on for any length of time in those early years: the Fomorians. Huge, mishapen and nasty beings filled with evil, they landed in Ireland and conquered and taxed the people living there only to return to their home over the sea. The races they had conquered, like the rest, died off until, one group, the Danaans, managed to settle comfortably for a great length of time. These people were the magical folk of Celtic mythology. They were something of a mix between gods and humans and they possessed many amazing abilities and powerful artifacts.

The Tuatha de Danaan (as they are properly known) settled in Ireland and did battle with the people already living there, the Firbolgs. Led by a striking fellow named Nuada, the magical Danaans managed to win the fight, taking most of Ireland in the exchange. The brave Nuada was to be made king, but in the fight he lost his hand and the law of Ireland declared that no blemished man could be made king. Though he was crafted a magical silver hand, he was still unable to be crowned. The people chose, instead, a handsome young man named Bres. With high hopes and charisma, he took the throne.

Alas, Bres did not possess the qualities of Kingship that Nuada of the Silver Hand had. He taxed the Danaans heavily, he displayed an arrogance that disgusted his people, and worst of all he allowed the Fomorians back into Ireland to tax the Danaans. They demanded tribute from over the sea and it is said that they carried off two thirds of Ireland’s children for purposes unknown.

Now, Bres was such a miser that he gave no hospitality to anyone, be they wise man, beggar, bard, or chief, and this was considered a most terrible trait. Lack of generosity was the worst vice in an Irish king, and it was about to catch up with him. One day, Bres allowed a bard by the name of Corpry to stay at his court. Corpry, expecting a proper Irish welcome, was happy to visit and spend time with the King. He was more than a little surprised when he was shown to a small dark chamber without fire or furniture where he was served three dry cakes with no ale. Bres had made a terrible mistake. Corpry composed a poem as his revenge:

“Without food quickly served,
Without a cow’s milk, whereon a calf can grow,
Without a dwelling fit for a man under the gloomy night,
Without means to entertain a bardic company,-
Let such be the condition of Bres.”

The poem caught fire in Ireland. The people all recited it and Bres heard it echoed throughout the land. The power of poetry was, to the Danaans, something you simply didn’t mess with. Satirical poetry, in particular, was thought to have an incredible power all its own. Bres, though not wise enough to rule justly, was wise enough to lay down the crown and leave the country.

Ireland, now with no king, looked to Nuada of the Silver Hand, their hero in the battle against the Firbolgs. By the healing powers of the physician Diancecht and his son, the magic silver hand had been grown fully to the stump of his arm. He was, once again, a whole man, and he ruled Ireland wisely and humbly, as a good king should. The Fomorian taxes and tribute ceased to be paid and the Danaans prepared themselves for a war that they knew was coming…

And that is where we shall have to leave it for today!

Many of the regular readers of this site have clearly caught what I refer to as “the mythology bug”; that is, a deep and abiding appreciation for all things mythology. It is a noble thing and one that causes cravings that are not easily satiated by the interwebs. Others among you, gentle readers, have expressed an intense interest in ding dong jokes.

I am just trying to provide something for everyone, here.

Besides, it’s not as if mythology and folklore isn’t rife with genitalia related stories. I am fairly certain that something like 90% of the folkloric literature of Japan is just stuff about ding dongs and doin’ it. (don’t quote me on that)

Joseph Campbell would like you to believe in the Hero with a Thousand Faces, ie – a tale as old as humanity, the story we all tell in different ways. I offer my competing theory: The Phallus with a Thousand…Faces? Disturbing.

The death and resurrection of Osiris is an immensely important tale within the greater framework of Egyptian mythology, and not just because it has a little too much to say about his doodle. The story goes something like this:

Set, the powerful god of the desert and of storms, was immensely jealous of the fame and power of his brother, the king Osiris. As a means of doing away with his rival forever, the clever god created a sarcophagus with the exact dimensions to fit his brother and left it with some accomplices. The group attracted the curiosity of passers-by under the guise of throwing a party for the one that could fit into the coffin, but no one was quite able to do so. Osiris, intrigued, tried his luck. As soon as he lay down within the sarcophagus, the lid was promptly slammed down upon him, nailed shut, and thrown into the river Nile. Set later found the coffin, opened it, and hacked his brother into 14 pieces, scattering them along the riverbank.

Meanwhile, the lovely wife of Osiris, the goddess Isis, was worried. She began to seek the whereabouts of her beloved husband but came up empty handed. Fearing some plot from Set, she continued to ask around until she caught wind of the disturbing plan her brother in law had set in motion. After much searching of the riverbanks, she managed to find her husband, or what was left of him with the help of Set’s wife, Nephthys. The two managed to find 13 of the 14 pieces, only missing the poor man’s phallus (which had been eaten by a fish).

Isis, not to be deterred, simply crafted him a new ding dong made of gold and, after much work putting him back together, sang and danced about his body until he was revived. Osiris had now officially become the Lord of the Dead.

Reading the story, I found it hard to believe that she wouldn’t come up with some…enhancements for her husband.

The theme of the dying and resurrecting God is a familiar one to students of mythology and folklore. There have been attempts made to connect all such gods together into some sort of web of conspiracy, but the truth is that this is a popular concept because it deals with important themes: those of life and death.

The transcendental act of experiencing death and bringing back information to the living has long played a central role in religious experience.

But then again, so have ding dongs.

I’ll leave you to consider what it all means.

Thanks to Liz for her help with writing!

Every twelve years, the dragon with people legs descends from his celestial abode to grace one lucky city with his fabulous moves.

They say he taught Michael Jackson the moonwalk…

It has been a new Lunar Year since Monday and celebrations have been going on all week among Chinese communities and parades are scheduled in many areas for this weekend. My favorite part of these celebrations is always the dragon dance. If you’ve never seen it before, you’re missing out. The basic idea is that a team of people, covered by a rather excitingly colored drape and with a large crafted dragon’s head at the front, dance about the street, emulating the serpentine motions of the Chinese dragon. It’s a very important part of any celebration it appears in, but it’s especially important in 2012 seeing as it’s the year of the Dragon.

There are, of course, several varieties of Dragon Dance out there and the type of dance depends on the community performing it. For instance, there is another method that involves attaching a very similar style of cloth and head to poles which the dancers hold up and move, waving back and forth, up and down. Every version is beautiful and fun to watch in a different way.

The Chinese are well known to have great respect for Dragons. In mainland China, they have even gone so far as to ban western commercials that disrespect this sacred cultural image (something no Chinese advertising firm would think to do). This may seem strange to the west. It is, after all, one of those things that is truly different between European and Chinese culture, but it is an important distinction. To the European mind, dragons have been a thing to be feared, a thing to be conquered. They have long held a place in our literature as the ultimate monster, the last beast to be defeated before the hero can rest. From medieval literature all the way to modern classics like The Hobbit, the dragon has largely been a symbol of purest evil. The people of China, however, have had a very different conceptualization of this creature.

Dragons in China look different, they act different, if they were real creatures there would be no doubt that they would be different species entirely. The Dragon, in China, is a symbol of royalty and the divine right to rule. It is a creature inextricably linked with water and the weather patterns that water brings. It is a strong and benevolent beast that typically only enacts violence against those that deserve punishment. Everything about it is important, majestic, and beautiful. The dragon has been used as a symbol of cultural identity for the people of China for a long, long time, something that is unlikely to change any time soon. When the dragon makes his appearance, you know it has great significance.

2012, in Chinese astrology, is the year of the dragon and it comes with all the importance the dragon symbolizes. In the context of this ancient system, it is a powerful year, a year of change and luck, one that won’t come again for another twelve years. Maybe this year we’ll all experience something powerful or maybe we’ll learn something particularly significant…

…Like the fact that those dragon dancers weren’t emulating the basic look of a dragon after all but were faithfully recreating its look exactly.

Yeah, it’s probably something like that.

Are Poison Control Centers equipped to deal with the complications of incredibly expired milk and fae anatomy? I have my doubts.

Why do they even have that milk? Is it even milk anymore? Probably not. I imagine it has gone through many changes in its long existence. It has probably gone from liquid to solid and back many many times.

It is clearly not fit for consumption by anything, fae or otherwise.

In the folklore of Scotland and Northern England, there have been a great many varieties of fae-folk. One of the more beneficial creatures was the Brownie or Brounie (I’ve used the latter for clarity’s sake in the comic and I will continue with it here in the blog post), also known as the Urisk in Lowland Scotland (though the Urisk has some slightly different characteristics). When a brounie has taken an interest in one’s home it typically moves in to some unused space within the house itself, taking up residence and carefully watching the actions of the humans that reside there. While there have been some larger manors and homes that are said to have acquired brounie residents, most of them choose to live in poorer homes to help the human inhabitants with their duties and chores.

Brounies are clever creatures, typically described as being around 3 feet tall, but they have been depicted as much shorter (I chose to show them very small for the sake of the art). They are king things but with an odd streak in them. They take offense at being spoken directly to, preferring instead for humans to speak as if talking to themselves, allowing them to hear the troubles that bother men and women so that they might help. They like their privacy, never moving into rooms that are occupied by people, and some varieties (such as the Urisk) don’t even move into homes, but instead choose to live by notable landmarks in the area surrounding them, such as waterfalls, logs, and particularly nice caves. The brounie watches servants and children like a hawk and will complete any left undone, but they have been said to punish lazy individuals within the household in small ways.

For all the work they provide, brounies expect some kind of small payment, usually a bowl of milk or cream or a bit of honey. When you provide this reward, you must not call it a payment or they will take great offense and leave the house at once. Another way to lose the help of your brounie is to offer it clothes, one of the major characteristics of JK Rowling’s character, Dobby the House Elf.

One of the possible reasons that brounies don’t inhabit larger homes was that there were far more clothes lying around for the poor things to think were gifts. Poorer households in Scotland and England usually had only one or two sets of clothes.

There’s a story about a place called the House of Maxwell, that was supposedly inhabited by a brounie who was very close to the master’s daughter. When the daughter went into labor, the river nearby was flooding and the night was stormy. The loyal and courageous brounie grabbed a coat and a horse and rode off to fetch the midwife at once. He arrived safely and lead the woman, who thought him a particularly small servant on the murky night, to his mistress. As they traveled, she fearfully mentioned that they should avoid a nearby pool, thinking it the home of a brounie. Her companion laughed and said, “Have no fear goodwife, for you have met all the brounies you are likely to meet on this night!” The two made it to their destination and the master of the house and his daughter were both eternally grateful. The master, wanting to show his appreciation, offered to baptize the brounie, hoping to give him the benefit of eternal salvation. As the holy water touched the little fellow, he disappeared forever.

If your home happens to attract the attention of a helpful brounie, try your best not to offend them!

…or baptize them.

……or leave clothes out for them.

………..or feed them ancient milk.

I guess what I’m saying is, be careful in dealing with them!

This poor girl keeps ending up with weirdos. Stacy has clearly broken up with her warlock boyfriend, only to move on to badly dressed vampires. Ugh…men!

Apparently Stacy, the girl who dates weird supernatural men, is a recurring character now.

I seriously don’t know how vampires in modern films manage to keep themselves so well groomed when they don’t have reflections. There must be a lot of vampire barbers or personal assistants that help them get ready every night, but that has to get expensive…

I know this is a silly joke, but I just love vampires and all the random bits of lore attached to them. They’re one of those pervasive concepts, like dragons, that have a very clear progression from their place in folklore to more modern literary usage. It’s fun to nitpick at all the odd little characteristics they’ve acquired over the years. At least, I think it is!

Either way, being a vampire can’t be easy but dating a vampire is obviously no picnic, either. For instance, you can’t even have a proper picnic. Such a shame! In my lifetime, I’ve figured out that most of the point of having a relationship is to go out on picnics. If you are not picnicking, what are you doing together? You should probably examine your priorities and see if you are really supposed to be with one another. The quality of a relationship corresponds directly to the quality of the picnics the two individuals in question share together.

That’s just good relationship advice, vampires or not.

Okay, I started out thinking I’d write a blog post about vampires and have now begun to talk about the importance of picnics in human relationships. Whatever illness has been eating away at my body for the last four days has clearly made its way to my mind. I will have to go lie down before any lasting damage is done.

At least I got the comic up on time today!

Helios has it rough, there is no denying that. Dragging the sun behind your chariot as you race across the sky, day after day, is hard enough. Not many people can work an 8+ hour work day (24 hours up in Alaska, at certain times of the year!) for seven days a week, but he manages. I just wonder how he manages the deadly radiation.

I guess that’s why we invented suspension of disbelief.

Helios, the Titan associated with the particulars of managing the sun was an important figure in Greek mythology, though he wasn’t really a focal point for many stories (or, at least, many famous stories). One famous tale involves his chariot and one of his mortal offspring, but we’ll have to skip on that for now. It’s definitely going to become a strip at some point!

A lot of people get Helios mixed up with the Olympian Apollo, god of light and music (and much more), myself included. The problem is that their names and some of their symbolism have been interchangeable, used to describe the other figure from time to time, but it’s clear (with some research) that the two were seen as distinct mythological figures.

Looking back at Greek mythology today, it’s hard to imagine these myths and stories as part of a vibrant, living religion, but instances such as this overlap between Helios and Apollo, and the differences between their particular cults breathe some life into the issue. As a religion with many different deities, Greek worshipers were free to express their religion in a variety of ways and through a variety of cults and temples. Apollo, being a beautiful god and a god of light, was obviously a very popular candidate for worship. Helios, on the other hand was a Titan, one of the old deities whose rulership had been supplanted by the Olympians. Unlike the unfortunate Cronus, however, some of the Titans continued their duties in one form or another after the new gods took over. Helios, god of the Sun, god of Light, carried on his work of riding across the sky much as he had before the usurpers took over and even maintained a cult in certain areas outside of Athens. Athenians, who supply much of the history we have today about Greek culture in general, had a distinct bias toward their own brand of culture, so it can be difficult to know just how Helios was seen outside the great city and among the islands and along the coasts of the Mediterranean.

One thing is for sure, however: though he was not actively worshiped, though he did not have a particularly strong Athenian cult, Helios was still seen as an active force in the mythology of the Athenian people.

Perhaps it is his association with the Sun that helped to keep this deity relevant while the other Titanic gods fell by the wayside. Our own little yellow star is so important to life on earth that it has been worshiped in one form or another since the dawn of humanity. Whether it was praised as a kind of nebulous force or as an anthropomorphized deity, the Sun has maintained a place close to the spiritual heart of our species for good reason.

It can be easy to forget, with the fast paced lives we lead today, just how lovely and important that churning ball of gas and light and energy is. The ancient gods were ever present reminders of the power and fury present in the forces of nature, but we, as a species, have largely moved on. Though most of us may be content with monotheistic religions and omnipotent singular deities disconnected from the natural world, it is still important for us to remember our surroundings, to consider the world we live in and to appreciate it and care for it. Although, it is important to protect ourselves from nature sometimes…

Thank Science for sunscreen!

I just wanted to say real quick that we will be returning to our regularly scheduled…schedule. I’ve taken the last couple of Mondays off from doing strips so as to decompress after school and the holidays. It’s time to get going again, though! No more late/missing strips! Woo!

Well, at least the forest is okay.

I must apologize to all my non-American readers, Smokey the Bear will definitely not be familiar to you. I tried to give you the basic idea of what he’s about with that sign in panel 3 so it isn’t too confusing. Allow me to fill you in (briefly) on what he’s all about.

In the United States we’ve got some pretty nice forests. Not as many as we used to, and certainly not as many as we should, but there are some great National Parks and forest reserves around the country. Smokey, since the 1940′s when he was created, has been the poster child of the US Forestry Service’s initiative to curb and contain forest fires. He’s essentially just an anthropomorphic bear that wears a hat and pants and tells children that “only they can prevent forest fires”. He is, surprisingly, a very effective mascot and one that is pretty recognizable. We’ve had a lot of these sorts of things over the years, but Smokey has managed to stick around and remain relevant.

Anyway, that’s Smokey.

As for the Dragon, most of you should know what he’s all about. It’s kind of surprising that I haven’t done more strips about dragons…I’ll have to rectify that this year. It is, after all, the year of the Dragon in China in a few short weeks!

Dragons are one of those strange mythological creations that have been found all over the world. While there are differences in how each culture perceives them, many basic traits remain the same. Cultures across the world from Britain to China to Australia have all come up with their own dragons or dragon-like monsters. The destructive creature in today’s comic adheres more to the European tradition of the fire breathing, winged tyrant used so much in modern fantasy and medieval lore. The early versions of these particular beasts were often amalgamations of various animals considered inauspicious or just terrifying to medieval Europeans such as snakes and bats, though it has been posited that these myths grew out of the discovery of dinosaur bones in ancient times.

Europe has had a long tradition of dragon folklore from the Ancient Greeks to the Christian myth of St. George and the dragon. Where China and other Eastern countries have had a wider variation in the motivations of dragons, European countries have been fairly consistent in their depictions of these creatures as beings of pure destruction. When they aren’t killing people, they’re stealing maidens, poisoning or haunting precious sources of water, or destroying villages.

The modern conception of European dragons is probably best exemplified (and was first stabilized) by the Anglo-Saxon poem, Beowulf somewhere between the 8th and 11th centuries. After becoming king of the Geats, the aging hero Beowulf must combat a mighty dragon that has been brought to his kingdom when a slave steals a jewelled cup from its lair. The king and his thanes ride forth to defeat the monster, but when it rears its ugly head, all but the brave Wiglef flee in terror. Together, Beowulf and Wiglef defeat the dragon, but Beowulf’s life is lost in the process. In the tale, the dragon has all the modern elements we see in dragons today, wings, fire breath, a venomous bite, treasure hoarding, a curious and wrathful nature, a vengeful personality, and it also gives us the template for the enemy of these beasts: the brave dragonslayer. It’s a marvelous tale and if you’ve never read it before, I can’t recommend it enough. It’s the story that got me interested in folklore and mythology and it has been an inspiration (whether they know it or not) to all modern fantasy writers.

Oh and hey, happy 2012 everybody!

2011 was a hell of a year…

As with many years, it hadn’t really started off fresh, but rather half-charred thanks to what had occurred in the previous year. That’s the funny thing about time as perceived by humans, everything is built on the past. More often than not, the New Year is messed up before it has even begun.

It’s kind of like parenting in that regard, I guess.

I’ve always found the idea of time a strange concept to grasp for some reason. I know what it is, I know how it works, we’ve all grown up with a very specific version of time and a very specific vision of what the passing of time means for us as humans. It’s a difficult thought to manage, but I often wonder what it would be like to live without constructed time. How would it affect us to not see numbers and associate them with the passing of hours? What would our society be like without time? Would we have got to where we are now without it?

One of the most important facets of dealing with human-calculated time is the New Year. All over the world, in various calendar systems, people celebrate the coming of a New Year. The idea of fresh beginnings and new starts is simply too strong for people to resist. It’s typically a time to see friends and family, to try to improve oneself in some way, or a time to make vows to let go of old bad habits.

It is, however, a difficult process.

Everything is built on the past. Whether we are talking about our individual past or the previous generations from which we have sprung, there is never a perfectly clean break. There is always pressure exerted from yesterday. If there is one thing that I have hoped to impart with this comic and blog post it is this: we cannot escape the past, we do not exist in a vacuum, we are not somehow unique and different and exempt from time.

That may sound a little depressing at a time like this but give it a moment. We, being the creatures that we are, so often choose to look to the future rather than the past and this is, quite often, a good thing. We should not dwell on the aches and pains of yesteryear, but rather look forward to the promise of the future on the horizon, but we should also not forget where we come from. We should not ignore the tens of thousands of years of shared human history that bind us together. Some of it may be painful, some of it may be downright silly, but all of it has helped to inform our societies today and our individual lives.

So as we look forward to 2012, let’s say goodbye to 2011. Let’s say goodbye to the silly, hurtful, or painful things we’ve done this year to ourselves and others and really mean it. Don’t ignore the difficult parts but rather, recognize them, let them go, and really start 2012 properly. Face the future with the knowledge that you can be just a little bit better, a little bit stronger this coming year thanks to the year before.

And let’s not forget the great things that happened either. Let’s not trivialize them or forget how wonderful those moments were. Let’s not forget that there is quite a bit of good in all of us. We have all done some awesome things this year, I’m certain.

I really truly hope you have a wonderful New Year. Thank you all for making 2011 so great for me. I hope this comic (however silly this sentiment may be) helped to make your year just a little bit better.

Much love to all of you,
Scott

You know what they say….when life gives you lemons, use them as fuel for the fire of hell!

That’s what they say, right?

I really don’t know what the deal is with all the hate on coal. Coal is useful. Some people really appreciate that stuff. My brother, for example, who is a blacksmith. That guy can’t get enough coal.

What a Satan-oriented Christmas this year turned out to be. Two strips in a row about the Devil. Somewhere, Jesus is crying, I’m sure. It’s funny that he has appeared in strips so infrequently but then he gets two in a row at Christmas.

The strip on Friday just got me thinking about the other aspects of being Lord of the Damned, y’know? It’s not like I know many people with that particular job description, so there are a lot of questions about it. Does he enjoy it? What does he do for Christmas? Do demons get holidays off? What was the interview like for that job?

There are just so many things I’d like to know.

Anyway, short blog post once again because I’ve talked about the Devil numerous times. He’s just such a well known character, there isn’t a whole lot I can say about him at this point. I’ll let the comic stand on its own today and hopefully we’ll get a nice blog post out of whatever madness dribbles out of my brain on Friday.

Hope everyone’s holiday season is going excellently, and that everyone’s looking forward to a New Year! I know I am!

Christmas time in Hell has got to be a difficult point in the year for the Devil. Everyone’s sending mail to Santa and getting on with Christmas cheer. I imagine the poor guy is reduced to turning shopping centers into brutal melees just for a pick-me-up.

It’s not that I feel bad for the devil, per se, he is, after all, the Devil, it’s just that…I don’t know. I guess I do feel bad for him.

Think about it, it’s his job to fight against God, the omnipotent omniscient creator who, some say, even controls the actions of Satan. That is not an easy lifestyle to deal with. I suppose that’s what you get when you’re just not a nice fellow overall.

It’s Christmas time again and here in New England, the weather has yet to grace us with snow. There was a freak snowstorm in October that I was convinced was a marketing ploy by major retail outlets to start getting us into the holiday season, but it didn’t last. The weather warmed up and now we’ve got a mild fifty degree and rainy December. Somehow it just doesn’t feel right.

Now I’m thinking about the Devil again…that dude never gets to see snow in Hell.

No wonder he’s such a jerk.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a pleasant holiday season! I want to say thank you so much to everyone that reads the strip, shares it with others, and/or comments here. You, ladies and gentlemen, turned this strip I just decided to do on a whim into something much more. That’s probably the nicest gift anyone’s ever given me.

So thank you. Thanks for reading, thanks for helping, thanks for just being awesome people. Have a wonderful end to this year!

Oh and one last thing, I won’t be missing comics so much anymore as I’ve finally finished with school! Hooray! To all you other folks graduating this semester (I know this is a weird time for it) WE DID IT! Congratulations!

Merry Christmas!

Happy Hanukkah!

Festive Kwanzaa tidings!