The Six Million Dollar God

by on January 31, 2012 at 12:01 am
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Many of the regular readers of this site have clearly caught what I refer to as “the mythology bug”; that is, a deep and abiding appreciation for all things mythology. It is a noble thing and one that causes cravings that are not easily satiated by the interwebs. Others among you, gentle readers, have expressed an intense interest in ding dong jokes.

I am just trying to provide something for everyone, here.

Besides, it’s not as if mythology and folklore isn’t rife with genitalia related stories. I am fairly certain that something like 90% of the folkloric literature of Japan is just stuff about ding dongs and doin’ it. (don’t quote me on that)

Joseph Campbell would like you to believe in the Hero with a Thousand Faces, ie – a tale as old as humanity, the story we all tell in different ways. I offer my competing theory: The Phallus with a Thousand…Faces? Disturbing.

The death and resurrection of Osiris is an immensely important tale within the greater framework of Egyptian mythology, and not just because it has a little too much to say about his doodle. The story goes something like this:

Set, the powerful god of the desert and of storms, was immensely jealous of the fame and power of his brother, the king Osiris. As a means of doing away with his rival forever, the clever god created a sarcophagus with the exact dimensions to fit his brother and left it with some accomplices. The group attracted the curiosity of passers-by under the guise of throwing a party for the one that could fit into the coffin, but no one was quite able to do so. Osiris, intrigued, tried his luck. As soon as he lay down within the sarcophagus, the lid was promptly slammed down upon him, nailed shut, and thrown into the river Nile. Set later found the coffin, opened it, and hacked his brother into 14 pieces, scattering them along the riverbank.

Meanwhile, the lovely wife of Osiris, the goddess Isis, was worried. She began to seek the whereabouts of her beloved husband but came up empty handed. Fearing some plot from Set, she continued to ask around until she caught wind of the disturbing plan her brother in law had set in motion. After much searching of the riverbanks, she managed to find her husband, or what was left of him with the help of Set’s wife, Nephthys. The two managed to find 13 of the 14 pieces, only missing the poor man’s phallus (which had been eaten by a fish).

Isis, not to be deterred, simply crafted him a new ding dong made of gold and, after much work putting him back together, sang and danced about his body until he was revived. Osiris had now officially become the Lord of the Dead.

Reading the story, I found it hard to believe that she wouldn’t come up with some…enhancements for her husband.

The theme of the dying and resurrecting God is a familiar one to students of mythology and folklore. There have been attempts made to connect all such gods together into some sort of web of conspiracy, but the truth is that this is a popular concept because it deals with important themes: those of life and death.

The transcendental act of experiencing death and bringing back information to the living has long played a central role in religious experience.

But then again, so have ding dongs.

I’ll leave you to consider what it all means.

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