The Hunger
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0Rhea, you’re just getting his appetite worked up! What are you thinking?!
At least he’s got that little trident and coral crown to protect himself with, I guess.
There are many reasons to eat babies, let’s just get that out there right now. Let me paint you a picture. It is half past noon and you feel that old familiar rumble in your gut. You know you’ve got food in the fridge, but that takes preparation, a level of commitment you’re not willing or able to match. Sure, the freezer is stocked with quick microwavable meals but even that feels like just a little bit too much as you recline comfortably on your sofa. It is at this moment that you notice the baby nearby. It is just lying there cooing to itself, maybe punching its tiny fists in the air as it wiggles around in its crib. It’s right there, right in arm’s reach. Nobody could blame you, right? The fridge is just so far away…
While hunger may be one reason to devour newborns, the mighty titan, Cronus, was not acting on so noble an impulse as the fridge being just a little too far away. Cronus is one of those rare cases in literature where an individual consumes a child out of self defense. It is not a common thing in life, to be threatened by infants, but in this case it is hard to say that Cronus was incorrect about the threat his children presented.
Born to Gaia and Ouranos, the primal beings born from Chaos that brought order to all things, Cronus
grew up envying the power of his father. When Ouranos angered Gaia by hiding some of her offspring beneath the earth, she sought the help of her Titanic children to put an end to the primal sky god. Of all the Titans, only Cronus was willing to take the sickle she offered. He took the stone tool in hand and castrated his father, killing him, and from his blood and fluids, the Giants, the Furies, and the Nymph-folk were created; creatures that Cronus promptly imprisoned underground. Cronus then took the throne with his sister Rhea as his wife and queen and together they produced five children: Hades, Hera, Hestia, Demeter, and Poseidon. Before the birth of their children, however, Cronus had learned from his mother, Gaia, that one of his own would kill him just as he had done to his father. As each of his children was born, Cronus swallowed them up, preventing them from fulfilling the prophecy.
Or so he thought.
Rhea, apparently realizing that her husband was not really father of the year material after consuming five of her children, finally decided to do something about all of this. After the birth of her sixth son, Zeus, she handed a stone wrapped in swaddling clothes to Cronus which he promptly swallowed, thinking it the newborn boy. Rhea, having saved the child, kept him hidden as he grew. When Zeus was fully grown, he used an emetic that caused Cronus to vomit, disgorging the stone and then Zeus’s three sisters and two brothers. Zeus then slayed his father and released the Giants, Furies, and Nymphs from their imprisonment beneath the earth. Zeus took the throne after his father’s demise and ruled the heavens from Mount Olympus.
And as we all know, that was the point when Ancient Greek religion got a whole lot more sexy.
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Cronus, slow down! Chew your food man, you’re going to give yourself indegestion.
Hopefully Rhea gave Zeus that trident and crown after birth!
That trident would have been quite painful passing…
but I digress… Back to topic!
Zeus does indeed look yummy!
….They do say that burnt (human) flesh smells like BBQ…
Hmm, now I want BBQ, good smoked BBQ…
On a side note… I don’t think Owls like covering people’s privates!
I mean just look at that owl’s face, he’s terrified!
(Though Dire Owls would kill you if you ever even had such a thought!)
Oh dear, I digressed again… better shut up…
Poseidon, not Zeus. Zeus would probably be replaced with a rock at this point in his part of the story. Speaking of which, she must cover her kids before showing them to Cronus, else how would she get a rock by him? Rhea hasn’t even swaddled Poseidon yet, so I think the holy symbols came with him…
How could I mix up Zeus and Poseidon?!
If the holy symbols (the trident and crown),
indeed came with him, that must have hurt!
If he’s anything like me then he will first take Poseidon and roll him about in some beaten eggs then roll him around in flower. Finally the little babe will be dipped and flopped around in some crispy bread crumbs and dropped into a pot of boiling oil. But who am I kidding? Chronus isn’t going to do that! Rhea is.
Sorry, I wanted to reply to your comment on my comment…
born with a crown huh? must of hurt when he…..crowned.
So did Cronus just take Rhea whenever he wanted, or was Rhea actually sticking around while Cronus was eating her children one after the other? Greeks, you crazy.
Ha, the censorship owl is back! This Cronus guy may be worse than Shia Labeouf. I like how Poseidon has a full beard so soon after childbirth, they grow up so fast.
Something tells me Poseidon tastes better with Tartar Sauce.
Hmm, I would certainly hope so!
Otherwise he would taste very fishy!
(Yuck!)
Why is Cronus holding BBQ sauce for something fish(y)?
Does he plan to fry or grill up Poseidon?
Rhea’s got a nice bum… jus’ say’in
Also Poseidon’s face in that panel is great “WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?!”
Soooo….am I the only one who noticed poseidon’s awesome little baby beard?
The Baby-Q!!
AND ALONG CAME ZEUS! HE HURLED HIS THUNDERBOLT (He zapped) LOCKED THOSE SUCKAS IN A VAULT (They’re trapped) AND ON HIS OWN STOPPED CHAOS IN IT’S TRACKS! AND THAT’S THE GOSPEL TRUTH!
THE GUY WAS TOO TYPE A TO JUST RELAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX.
Tho’ honey it may seem impos’ble that’s the gospel truuuuuth
I love this one!
I had to alter the story a little in order to tell my Cronus joke.
All you can eat Seafood.
I really like the design of baby-poseidon.
This is one of the many stories of Olympian lore that really made no sense in context Cronus is told one of his children will kill him so his first thought is to eat them, an act which would no doubt cause a small bit of resentment and animosity towards him if they get out and he expected his wife to be ok with all of this? God he is a dumb@$% did he not pay any attention when he killed his father for imprisoning him and his brothers and sisters for the EXACT SAME THING being told a child of his was going to kill him this and a lot of the stories from the Greek, Olympian, and Romain times seem to best illustrate that those who don’t learn for history are doomed to repeat it
You’ve managed to make Cronus look like a big hungry goof-ball.
Congratulations.
I posted the “reasons to eat babies” paragraph on Facebook because I found it hilarious (crediting you, of course). My aunt did not see the hilarity. In fact, I was told I was “raised better than this”. haha
Some people just don’t have a good sense of humor. =P
That makes so much sense! But really i hate people that think they can just eat a kid since they can’t walk like ten feet!