There are times when life is just too stressful within the dark walls of the metaphorical (or literal, in the case of large, bipedal cow-men) labyrinth of life. Sometimes you just need to get away to experience something new and exciting. Sometimes you’ve just got to visit a big city, see the incredible sights, smell the frequently awful smells, feel the sensations a medical testing rodent must feel when it is put in one of those little mazes and told to go look for some cheese…

Sometimes you need to experience exactly what you do at work but in a larger setting and with more hot dog vendors.

Poor minotaur. You chose the wrong place to vacation, bro.

I have long wondered what sort of hijinx the minotaur might get up to if he were ever let out of that labyrinth for a vacation. Looking through my tumblr questions the other day, it became apparent that a few other people were curious about this as well. When the world needs useless answers about a topic the population at large set on the back burner about two millenia ago, Happle Tea is there.

Don’t you dare say I don’t provide a valuable service around here!

The minotaur itself is a rather…unpleasant topic when one considers its unlikely origins. It all began with Minos, one of the sons of the King of Crete. When the royal father passed away and the throne was up for grabs, Minos and his brothers were to compete for the rights to the kingship. Minos prayed to the god Poseidon (one of the patron gods of the island nation) for a sign of support and Poseidon saw fit to send up a beautiful white bull from the sea. This honor was given to Minos with one condition: he was to sacrifice the bull to show respect and honor back to Poseidon. Being a creature of exceeding strength and beauty, however, the white bull was no easy sacrifice for Minos to make. He rationalized that one of his own, less impressive, bulls would do just fine and slaughtered one of those in the name of Poseidon instead.

A wrathful deity, Poseidon was most displeased with this turn of events. In his rage (and with his twisted and weird imagination, apparently) he decided to make Pasiphae, Minos’s wife, fall in love with the white bull. She became a woman obsessed, even going so far as to ask Daedalus, the fabled inventor, for his assistance in creating a hollow wooden cow so that she might use to copulate with the beast.

What an awkward moment that must have been for Daedalus.

Her crazed plan worked with the help of Daedalus’s invention, but it resulted in Pasiphae’s pregnancy. Months later, she gave birth to the terrible minotaur: half man, half cow, all ferociousness. Poseidon had his revenge.

Daedalus was, again, enlisted to help contain the monster and it was his genius that lead to the creation of the Labyrinth from which no one, not even the minotaur, could escape.

No one except the mighty Theseus with the help of a little ball of string, anyway.

Interestingly enough, that is the same way I found my way out of New York City the one time I visited. As far as I know, I am the only one to ever escape.