First we find out K’s dad is Sasquatch, then we meet his pterodactyl roommate, and now this? The sorts of people in this kid’s life…Then again, everyone has a “crazy uncle”, so maybe this helps you identify with Lil K a bit. I’d be interested to see if anyone’s relatives can top “goat-sucking” in terms of weirdness.

Actually, if you know someone that does something more weird than goat-sucking, it’s probably best you keep it to yourself.

The Latin American goat sucker, also known as El Chupacabra, is a strange, south of the border amalgamation of various creatures with descriptions that vary wildly. Originally spotted in Puerto Rico in the 90’s, the monster reared it’s ugly head in Mexico not long after, and it didn’t take much longer than that before it showed up in Texas where it was clearly dropping in to steal some hard-working Americans’ goat sucking jobs. This is why we need a 30 foot high concrete wall, people! It’s worth the cost!

The beast itself has been described as being short, two legged, and lizard-like with protruding spines and large glowing eyes, or, alternatively, as a larger beast that moves on four legs or, again, as a sort of weird looking dog with the mange. People have also described something not unlike grey aliens when discussing the creature as well. One thing remains the same in almost every report on the beast: livestock or pets are always assaulted, typically at night, and they are drained entirely of blood with no other marks on their bodies save small puncture wounds where the blood has been drained. A strange story, to be sure, and one that is at once disturbing and hilarious. Disturbing, because of the loss of animal life in a seemingly abnormal or paranormal way, and hilarious because the term goat-sucker is pretty damn funny.

What this all adds up to, in my mind, is some people taking a rumor and panic a little too far. The way the “creature” has moved from Puerto Rico, to Mexico, to other south American countries and the US, and now to Russia seems like pretty good evidence that the whole thing is being spread by media coverage rather than an actual creature. It may have started with something legitimate, what it was is anybody’s guess, but at this point, I think it’s safe to say it’s not a real beast. For what would have to be a large number of creatures to have been dormant all this time and suddenly begin attacking livestock is ludicrous, especially in this fashion, and for it to be a single creature gallivanting about, sucking blood across continents is even more implausible.

All that said, Latin America should be happy that the beast probably isn’t real. There are plenty of people in the US already that like to demonize our neighbors to the south, questioning their desire to move to a new country and work their asses off in a society that treats them pretty poorly. They don’t really need a legitimate monster to add to the rhetoric.

It’s not as if Americans are willing to work the tough jobs our Central and South American brothers and sisters are willing to take on. Maybe we need a little competition from El Chupacabra. See, there was a time, back in my great grandparents’ days, when you’d suck goats and be happy about it, when sucking goats was a well respected career move, when sucking goats put bread on the table. But no, modern Americans have got too much pride for draining the blood from livestock with some kind of weird proboscis.

This country.