Moses’ mom, Jochebed, though she may have had good intentions, probably was not fit to look after a child. What kind of mother hides her newborn baby boy by floating him on the Nile river? Sure, you saved him from being drowned by the Pharaoh’s goons, but that river isn’t exactly famous for its peaceful wildlife. All I can say is, it’s a damn good thing Moses had the G-man on his side or he’d have been a tiny snack for a crocodile!

Of course, I’m sure there were plenty of other ladies that tried the same trick and didn’t get so lucky. Maybe the wildlife was just full by the time Moses made his way to the water.

Out of so many comics, it’s kind of surprising I haven’t done more jokes about Moses considering what an iconic figure he is for so many world religions. I’ve really got to step up my game here.

Moses was born at a trying time in the mythological history of the Hebrew people. A new pharaoh had risen to power and he noticed an alarming increase in the Hebrew population in the lands that he controlled. Worried, that these people might rise against him, the leader of the Egyptians declared that all newborn Hebrew boys be drowned in the Nile. Moses’ mother placed him in an ark and hid him near the riverbank. In the Biblical account, Moses’ older sister, Miriam, is sent to watch over him but she was only seven years old! Luckily for Moses, being a chosen child of Yahweh, he does not get devoured by crocodiles before the story even gets going.

Moses is eventually found by the Pharaoh’s daughter and raised in their household. Again, the incredible power of Yahweh melts the heart of this woman (but doesn’t stop Pharaoh from presumably drowning all those other babies that weren’t Moses) who has been conditioned to despise the Hebrew people. Pharaoh’s daughter rescues the boy and sends one of her servants to find a nurse for the child and, wouldn’t you know it, the woman brings back Moses’ own mother. She nurses her son until he is old enough, then gives him over to the Pharaoh’s daughter to raise as her own son. Moses, as a member of the royal household, learns science and math from the Egyptians and learns everything he would need to become Pharaoh himself.

It is only later in his life that Moses turns down the path that would set himself as one of the greatest leaders in Biblical mythology. Moses, inspecting the kingdom, begins to feel sympathy for the Hebrew people after witnessing their plight. When he witnesses a slave master mercilessly whipping some Hebrew slaves, he murders the fellow in cold blood and hides the body in the sands. When Moses finds out that this dark deed has been discovered by others (specifically that Pharaoh might know) he flees into the desert, giving up his former life forever.

It is in the desert that Moses encounters the burning bush and learns the name of God. In the desert he starts to become the great leader that would free the Hebrews from bondage and the one to deliver them to the promised land.

Good thing he survived the Nile!