EDIT: I did two versions of this comic. I ended up liking the second one better (I just felt like it was punchier) but you can check out the old one on this new tumblr thing I got here.

Attention! If you have not been tested, do yourself and your partner(s) a favour and head to the nearest clinic now! You could be a vampire and not even know it. Vampirism is the silent killer and it will not hesitate to mess your shit up! If you know you’re a vampire, we don’t take kindly to your type around here so why don’t you just mosey on back to your coffin!

I’ve always thought of vampirism as being an awkward affliction. Maybe you become a vampire without realizing it and just start biting people. You realize, later, that you’ve contracted this disease. It’s time to make some phone calls. Who were you with recently? This is going to be tough…

I’ve never had an STD before, but I imagine it’s roughly analogous.

Then again, I suppose the thirst for blood, the fangs, and the aversion to sunlight might make self diagnosis much simpler. WebMD’s probably got some info on dealing with it.

Awkwardness aside, the vampire in modern fiction doesn’t seem all that bad if you take away the unquenchable desire for human juices. Being a vampire is, largely, a matter of having super strength, super speed, good looks, and pale skin. You get to sleep all day, go clubbing at night, and have beautiful perfect teeth with some bitchin’ canines. Oh and you get to live forever. Yeah yeah, you watch everyone you love die, wah wah wah. Give me a break. You want to hang out with them for eternity? Turn them into a vampire, you baby!

Back in the day, being a vampire was actually seen as pretty horrible. The thirst wasn’t just a slight thing, it was constant and it was painful. Vampires were less human and more walking corpse. Nobody wants to live forever if they can’t at least look good doing it.

I sure as shit don’t.

I guess that’s the thing about eternity. You never hear people talk about heaven or vampires now and hear them talk about how they’ll look old or ugly or have that terrible acne problem. No, everything’s perfect forever, whether you’ve been bitten or living in a sweet afterlife. I’m not sure if that’s a product of our own wishful thinking or a more modern concept thanks to a culture of celebrity worship and super model obsession, but it’s strange when you think about it. Why should every vampire look good? Maybe good looking people just taste better. Maybe there’s some kind of pheromone at work. I don’t know, I’m not a scientist.

If I were a scientist this is the sort of thing I would study. As soon as my patrons found out I would promptly lose my funding and never be taken seriously again, if I ever was in the first place.

You know what, I think I’ll stick with comics. It’s probably for the best.