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Any time some character in a fairy tale engages in risky behavior (which is, let’s face it, 90% of the time) I wonder to myself, “Who is going to pay for all the damages their lapse in judgment has just wrought?” I’m pretty sure most of the people in fairy-tale land don’t have home owner’s insurance.

Allev probably doesn’t, either.

The story of Jack and the Beanstalk, to me, always seemed to overlook the whole beanstalk thing in favor of giants and golden geese and whatnot. That stuff’s cool and all, but imagine the size of those pea pods, man! You could eat like kings forever! That’s provided you don’t destroy your house or the surrounding countryside by accident, and provided that you see the value in titanic food crops. See, magic of one variety simply isn’t enough for fairy tale characters. They are gluttonous lot, always looking for the next big thing (pun intended) and never satisfied until they’re a king or they’re dead. That’s clearly not a healthy lifestyle to be teaching our children to be aiming for. We don’t really have many kingships left in this world, so all they have is waiting to die.

Fairy tales. What a nightmare.

When they’re not teaching you to put yourself and your neighbors at risk with colossal vegetable plants or telling children they should really consider royalty as a career option, they’re promoting outright burglary and murder. Jack, in the story, waltzes into some giant’s home, steals all his stuff, and then, as if that weren’t enough, he kills the poor guy on his way out.

That’s a home invasion.

That’s cold-blooded.

You can get 40 to life for that.

It’s all down to greed. Jack couldn’t be content with a gigantic beanstalk that, presumably, produces massive pea pods. No, he has to have more and more until he eventually kills.

I wonder if giants are edible…Seems like that would go pretty well with some huge pea pods…

I guess the point of all this is that if you happen across someone giving away magic beans, it’s probably best not to get involved. Life is just simpler that way.

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