I guess when you’re thinking up ways to really screw an entire culture over, it can be difficult to make them all chart toppers. It’s not like this was even the first time the Big Guy had to work on this kind of thing. Here’s a trick they taught us in art school: it’s all about volume; the more you produce, the more likely you are to land some hits.

Clearly Yahweh is passionate about his art, specifically the art of making people miserable.

It’s Passover week! Wooo! Throw out your leavened bread and bust out your Haggadah, it’s time to get funky!

…with some tales from Jewish mythology…


Passover is the celebration of the deliverance of the Children of Israel from Egypt where they were slaves. It begins with the story of the birth of Moses, a newborn baby Israelite, at a time when the Pharaoh had ordered all newborn Hebrew babes be thrown into the Nile. Moses’ mother, rather than drown the child, sets him adrift in a basket. After somehow avoiding being devoured by crocodiles, overturned, or crushed by hippos, the baby Moses floats peacefully along until he is found by the Pharoah’s daughter, who raises the child and names him. Eventually, the young lad grows up, speaks to a burning bush, learns the name of the god that will be the salvation of the Israelites, and becomes a prophet of this god and a leader in his community. At this point, Moses becomes a real menace to the establishment in Egypt. He demands the Jews be set free but, not wanting to give up a good thing, Pharaoh is dead set against this. This is where things get interesting.

The god of the Israelites, Yahweh, working through his prophet, commands ten plagues to fall upon the people of Egypt to demonstrate his power and to display to the world the covenant between the Hebrews and Himself. After each plague, Moses visits the Pharaoh and demands the release of his people. Each time, the Pharaoh agrees so long as the curse is lifted, but then he “hardens his heart” and refuses to let the people of Israel leave. Some of the plagues are, as demonstrated by the strip, quite destructive. Others…well, you be the judge.

The first plague is the plague of blood. All the water throughout the kingdom of Egypt turns to blood, killing off fish and generally being pretty disturbing. That’s some Stephen King level horror right there, clearly Yahweh means business. Following that up is the plague of frogs wherein frogs rain from the sky. That’s more cartoon villain douchebaggery, in my book. Third comes the plague of gnats and lice, annoying but not really horrific. Frogs that remained behind from the previous plague were probably extremely pleased. Fourth is the plague of flies or wild animals. Why flies OR wild animals you ask? There are different accounts, though I’m not quite sure how one would get those two things mixed up. Fifth, a plague of pestilence falls on the land, killing livestock. That’s pretty brutal and clearly makes cooking dinner a difficult prospect. After that, there’s a plague of boils, causing many Egyptians to erupt in unhealable sores. That one’s just gross. The plague of hail and fire comes after that, clearly designed to irritate the boils. God really outdid himself with that combo. After that, locusts swarm Egypt, devouring what little food remains. Luckily tor the Egyptians, the plague of darkness descends and they no longer have to look at their wasteland of a kingdom or their hideously pockmarked faces and weeping sores. The whole ordeal finally culminates in the death of the firstborn of Egypt, a truly dastardly plague indeed.

After the final plague, Pharaoh finally allows the Hebrews to go. Moses leads them toward the promised land, away from slavery and captivity. Hooray!

To any of my Jewish readers, I hope you have a lovely Passover! Don’t mind my poking a little fun at the story!