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After the game, Zeus turned into a porpoise and banged the entire Croatian Olympic women’s beach volleyball team and then swam away.

It was the best Olympics ever.

With the Olympics almost over, I’ve been thinking…what would the patron deity of this whole spectacle think of what we’ve done with his games. It’s hard to imagine, considering the kind of changes that have been made, least of which is the number of events held. There’s one change we can be sure he would be happy with: women participating in sports. Zeus, you old pervert! Stop lookin’ at those finely toned buns!

The addition of women’s beach volleyball to the Olympics has certainly been an improvement for straight men, gay women, horny male deities, and butt-connoisseurs everywhere.

Sorry straight ladies and gay dudes, no more naked oil wrestling for you! You have my deepest sympathies. At least you’ve still got that rowing guy with his package there for the world to see, right?

Because really, when watching the best athletes from around the world compete, the most important thing is how they look, right? Of course it is.

So what was it that started all this off in the first place? There is a fair amount of mythology associated with the games, though there are differing versions about why it began. The simplest version states that it was the mighty hero, Heracles, that began the games to honor to his father, Zeus, after completing his famous labors. This is a common theme in all of the origin stories, however, this dedication to the chief of the ancient Greek divinities.

Back then, the Olympic games were really just the Olympic game, consisting only of the single stadium (200 yard) footrace. Every Olympiad, (4 years, the time between the Olympics) male members of Greek city states would arrive for the games and compete in this simple footrace, but over time, plenty of other games were attached to the event. Various other races including multi-stadium dashes and a version where competitors would wear full battle-gear were added. Eventually, chariot racing, wrestling, boxing, and discus throwing were also put on the list and every event was considered equally valuable, much as they are today (except equestrian dressage).

One thing is clear from the information we have on these ancient games: religion played a much bigger part in the early Olympics than they do today. It’s impossible to discuss the athletics without addressing the larger spiritual framework behind the events. Competing in the Olympics was, in a sense, a form of worship and is very much in line with the physical and spiritual connection present in much of ancient Greek religion. By pursuing greatness in the physical events, the Greek athletes were honoring Zeus and their other gods. Practice, training, competition, sweat, and often blood were a very real symbol of sacrifice to their deities.

Unfortunately, nowadays we’ve lost the true meaning of the games: honoring this horny old thunder god by beating other countries at sports.

Christians say put the “Christ” back in Christmas, well I’ve got a better idea:

Put Zeus back in the Olympics. Have you read about that guy at all?

He’s awesome. Or terrible, it’s hard to say.

One thing is for sure, he is certainly ridiculous.

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