And everything went perfectly. They went on to have 3 kids, a dog, and one third of a white picket fence. A fairy tale romance.

Don’t ask me why (seriously, don’t, I don’t have any answers) but I’ve been wondering for a while now what the world of Sasquatch dating would look like if it existed. Do they go out on dates? Do they bring each other flowers? Or do they just cover themselves in mud and twigs and ululate like some poor opera singer without any talent? If I had to guess, I’d say it’s probably the latter, but I’ve never been invited to observe their traditions. Thankfully we have Lil K to help us out.

Impressing women is a difficult task for men everywhere. I don’t care where you live, what you do, who you are, or how much fur you’ve got, if you’re a male and you’re interested in females, it can be a daunting task to attract one of the fairer sex. It is so daunting, in fact, that some may go to certain extremes to attract notice.

The issue of attraction isn’t limited to just men, there are a wealth of stories, myths, legends, biblical information, and cultural ideas across the globe pertaining to just how one should act with regard to their sexual preference. Men and women, straight and gay, most of what goes on in the world is a desperate attempt to stand out to some eye-pleasing specimen. Of course, there is more to attraction than simply looks, but much of what we do to catch notice relates to our appearance and the way we carry ourselves. Navigating the world of dating and attraction can be a lot like navigating a murky swamp with no light and no map. Much like navigating a swamp, there are crocodiles involved in dating, or at least there were on most of my dates.

I brought the crocodiles.

They didn’t go over very well.

In hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have brought them, losing a limb is a deal closer on most dates. Take it from me.

I say we go back to the glory days when males would simply beat their chests and then beat each other in a test of strength and bravery to get the best mates. There was no guessing about what jeans to wear or what cologne to put on. There were no questions about whether to appear sensitive and brooding or whether to get overly tanned and get drunk in bars while making awkward passes at women out of your league.

Things were so much simpler back then.

Crocodiles weren’t even an option.