First place isn’t the best if you don’t get to live to enjoy it. Of course, it’s the bronze medalists that really get screwed…poor bastards.

And yes, I’m aware that gold medals are actually mostly silver! Unfortunately, nit-picking doesn’t make for fun jokes haha

Werewolves (in one form or another) have been around for almost as long as the Olympic games themselves. Tales of humans becoming wolf-like monsters have been recorded from the days of ancient Greece, though it’s fair to say they’ve evolved a great deal since those times. Back then, there were stories of a village in Scythia where the people all became wolves for a few days every year. Ovid, drawing from his Greek sources tells the story of the despicable Lycaon who attempts to serve human flesh to Zeus and becomes cursed by the god for his crime, doomed to wander the world as a wolf. There are other tales from Ovid of folk in the vicinity of Arcadia also becoming wolves and prowling the woods at night, looking for a meal, perhaps an ancient bronze medalist!

It’s interesting to note that the weakness to silver, particularly silver bullets, we now ascribe to werewolves was never a part of the original lore. Neither the ancient Greek tales of shapeshifting wolf-people nor the European folk legends that became proper werewolves mention it. In fact, it wasn’t until the 19th century that such a thing officially entered the record. At first it was silver weapons, then silver bullets, and now modern fiction authors often describe werewolves as having a rather terrible allergy to silver material of any kind.

Of course, if you don’t have silver handy and you’re in desperate need of some protection from werewolves (which, let’s be honest, is a common occurrence) here are some (thoroughly untested) strategies that might help (do not attempt):

1) Assert your dominance. The werewolf must know that YOU are the leader. Glare at the werewolf, puff out your breast, and take a wide stance. If the werewolf hasn’t yet eaten you, you’re probably alright.

2) Attempt to teach the werewolf some basic commands. Common werewolf commands are “Stop.” “Don’t eat me.” and “No, seriously, why are you eating me? Don’t do that!”

3) Keep dog treats on your person at all times. If a werewolf attacks, throw the dog treat at another person and hope the werewolf eats them instead. While it is distracted, make your escape.

4) Become good friends with that Dog Whisperer fellow. Maybe his sorcery would work on werewolves.

If all else fails, you can train for years and years, become star athlete, join an Olympic team and place second in the event of your choice, obtaining a silver medal and lifelong protection from werewolves.

Or I guess you could just carry around some proper silverware…

You know, whatever works!

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